THE LUCK BITCH

THE LUCK BITCH
By: Tom Scott

Some refer to her as Lady Luck, others as Dame Fortune. I call her the LUCK BITCH mostly because she deserves it. She incorporates everything imaginable into her back of tricks to make life difficult for rational handicappers and she has a particular fondness for messing with me. Last Sunday, she outdid herself. These are the two games I used on my NFL phone service last week.
Two solid picks that had all the standard handicapping tools in place. I’ll start with the one I lost.

TENNESSEE 24 - NY GIANTS 21
This was the lesser of the two plays but any win is a good win and it certainly looked like this would be one. The Giants had a 21-0 lead at the half and had stumbled through the third quarter and the first minute of the fourth without losing any of it. Then the Heinous Harlot went to work.

On second-and-four, the Giants had the ball at their own 30-something.
Instead of giving the ball to Tiki Barber, some fool, Eli Manning, Tom Coughlin or LB herself called for a deep sideline pass. There is no logical reason for throwing the ball, especially a risky pass like that, in this situation. But, throw they did and Tennessee picked it off and returned it to the Giant 46. Tennessee drove to the New York 19 but, on 4th-and-9, Vince Young was stopped two yards short of the first down and the Giants were still in total command. The Tempestuous Trollop was livid. She kicked DB Frank Walker in the ass and sent him sprawling into Young on the sidelines.
Walker was flagged for roughness and Tennessee had a first down at the New York six. With 9:38 left in the game, the Titans scored and cut the margin to 14.

On the next possession, the Giants went three-and-out. LB got her hands on the punt and sent it tumbling to the Tennessee short man who returned it to the Giant 36. Six plays later, with 5:24 left, it was 21-14. New York managed six plays on its next possession before punting to the Titan 24.
Three incomplete passes later, with just 2:44 left in the game, Vince Young goes back to make one last desperation pass. Mathias Kiwanuka wraps his arms around Young knowing the inevitable sack will essentially end the game.
Young doesn't escape. He doesn't have to. The Vicious Vixen blows in Kiwanuka's ear and Mathias lets Young go. He just let him go. Young runs 19 yards for a Tennessee first down. Three plays later, it's 21-all. Now, there's 44 seconds left in the game. Rather than take their chances in overtime, the Giants decide to try for an 80-yard drive and win in regulation. On the second play of that drive, Manning throws another interception to Pac Man Jones who returns it nearly into field goal range.
Two plays later, Tennessee won the game. You know and I know that there is no way the Titans should have won. But they did and the Luck Bitch got ol'
Scotty again.

BUT SHE WASN'T DONE! - TAKE A LOOK AT THIS ONE!
NEW ENGLAND 17 - CHICAGO 13
This game had significantly more import that the play on the Giants. I got out of it with a half-point cover because I released it on Saturday, but it should have been MUCH EASIER! It would have been except for the Horrible Hooker's ability to be in two places at the same time. While she was trampling me in Nashville, she was trying to detonate me in Foxboro.

LB kept knocking the ball out of New England's hands and kept leaving the Bears in the game. Sure, when you add up the turnovers, it says that the Pats made five while Chicago had four and that looks pretty even. Until you look at where they occurred. Two of Chicago's turnovers were in the red zone and probably cost the Bears points. ALL FIVE of New England's came in Chicago territory with four inside the Bear 22 and three inside the Bear 13, including a pick at the one.

Despite the three turnovers inside the Chicago 13, New England still led
10-3 late in the third quarter. Chicago had a third-and-eight on its own 49 yard line when Rex Grossman unleashed a desperation heave down the field. It fell incomplete but the Luck Bitch tripped intended receiver Bertrand Berrien (it had to be her, no one in a Patriot uniform touched the guy) and back judge Azza Bat nailed safety Artrell Hawkins for pass interference. The FORTY-FIVE yard penalty gave the Bears a first down at the New England six.
Two plays later the game was tied at 10.

On the ensuing possession, Tom Brady calmly led the his team on an 11-play drive that ate up six minutes of the clock finishing with a touchdown pass to Mike Vrabel that put New England up by seven. But the Luck Bitch and the Bears still had more than eight minutes to dismember me.

After a couple of first downs, Chicago faced another third-and-long at the Patriot 48. Grossman called the exact same pass play to Berrien as he did on the previous drive and the result was the same. The pass fell incomplete, LB tripped Berrian and Bat called another pass interference penalty, this time on Ellis Hobbs for THIRTY yards. The Bears couldn't move and ended up kicking a field goal to make it 17-13.

With a borderline result that could have been a win or a tie, depending on when it was played, the Salacious Slut could have backed off and called it a day. She didn't. She had to give me one more kick in the nuts for good measure.

New England took the kickoff and moved smoothly down the field trying to run out the clock or get a clinching score. The Patriots got it down to the Chicago 25 at the two-minute warning and, with a third-and-five coming up, figured to run a safe play and kick an insurance field goal. They ran the play but LB knocked the ball out of Corey Dillon's grasp at the 22 and the Bear's recovered. Grossman tried for a third pass interference call but LB was a little slow getting downfield and tripped Rashied Davis after the whistle had blown. Still, she tried her best to make me lose but this time the pick was too solid even for her to foil. Considering what transpired in this game, it wouldn't be out of reach to say that New England could have won this game by 30. More proof that the Luck Bitch really exists. If you don’t believe, she may get you next!

Tom Scott kicks off the 2006-07 Basketball season with his first College Hoops Five star play this Saturday. That, along with his Six Star Internet Game of the Year in College Football should make for a nice day for his followers. You can get in on the fun by checking the guaranteed picks page of Friday night.

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